I never know what to say to my Tinder matches. No matter how many friends I consult or how excited I am about the match, I find myself struggling to come up with the right way to strike up a conversation. “Hey” feels like not enough, but asking someone to coffee immediately seems overeager. It feels nearly impossible to strike the right balance of expressing interest but not appearing too interested before you really get to know them. Luckily, Nicole Moore, a love and relationship coach, has some helpful advice. And she’s extra qualified to give it because she met her husband on Tinder. Here’s Moore’s advice for the best way to start a conversation on Tinder or another dating app.
Pinpoint a Specific Detail
Rule number one, according to Moore, is to tailor your message to your match. “The best thing to do when you match with someone you’re interested in on a dating app like Tinder is to comment on something very specific that you noticed about the other person’s profile,” Moore told POPSUGAR.
Look through their profile and find something, anything, that you are interested in or have in common with the person. Of course, bios are a great place to draw inspiration, but you can also take note of Spotify artists they linked or details in their photos. “If someone doesn’t have a ton of text in their profile, comment on one of their pictures and ask them a question,” Moore said. Crossdresser dating apps “For instance, if someone has a picture out in nature, ask them about that picture and what their day was like on the day it was taken. If someone has a picture of them out at a coffee shop, ask them what their all-time favorite coffee order is.”
Whichever detail stands out to you, bring that up in your first message, and your match will feel like you’ve made a small investment in them. “All people want to feel special and noticed,” Moore said. “When you point out a small detail about someone’s profile that you loved, it instantly creates rapport and shows you’re not looking at them like they’re just an option.” Making your message specific to your match shows them that you paid attention to their profile, and it’s a flattering step that not everyone takes.
This also means you probably shouldn’t just be sending “Hi” or “How are you doing?” as your first message. “It’s boring, unoriginal, and will make people feel like you’re not putting in any effort,” Moore warns. “Notice the small details, and people will be way more likely to respond to your initial message.”
Pretend You’re With Them in Real Life
If you’re still feeling a little stuck, take some pressure off yourself by pretending you’re with your match in person. When things are written out and memorialized in our Tinder messages, it can feel like we have to be extra careful with our words.
But keep in mind, there’s no “right” way to have a conversation, no “perfect” thing to say. “If you were talking face to face with someone you just met, you would just go with the first words that came out of your mouth, and often those are the most authentic words to begin with,” Moore said.
Pretending you’re in person will help you find a more natural way to approach the conversation. “Think about what you might say to this person if you had just met them at a bar or a coffee shop and say that,” Moore suggested. “Or, imagine that you’re talking to a friend where the stakes don’t feel high so you can just be yourself. If you were seated at a dinner party next to this person and had to make conversation for an hour, what would you say to them first?”